Do or Do Not.

Does it count as prostitution if she doesn’t have to sleep with him?

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So I’ve found myself wondering: just how long will Katie Holmes be contractually bound to date Tom Cruise?

By now you’ve all heard taht they’re “dating,” a “couple,” “partnered in a mutually beneficial business arrangement.” I’d imagine she’s got the standard Tom Cruise Girlfriend Contract. She gets to have her public profile raised exponentially, hopefully from mid-list celebrity to A-list, and he gets to continue to convince the readers of People and the viewers of “Entertainment Tonight” that’s he’s heterosexual. Everybody wins.

Something’s different with Katie, though–Tom’s publicists altered the routine since the failures of the last two girlfriend hires. It’s become obvious that just announcing to the world that Mr. Short-N-Sexy has found “love” with whichever actress they’ve signed isn’t enough, either for Tom or for the contractee. Penelope Cruz rarely got any public face time with her homonymic mega-beau during their two-year deal; consequently, her star wattage failed to increase and Tom still had to sue some guy for daring to claim he and Tom had had a thing. (And by “thing,” I mean “sex.”)

And Tom, to the best of my knowledge, never one actually appeared out with Sofia Vergara–and that “who?” you just mouthed silently to yourself shows how well that arrangement worked out for her.

But Penelope and Sofia both had short-term contracts, so maybe they didn’t have the time to get themselves exploited to their full potential. Nicole Kidman, of course, had a ten-year deal and that one paid off very well for the both of them. When she signed on after meeting Cruise on the Days of Thunder shoot, she was just starting out in America. Ten years of legally-enforced marriage later and she was one of the biggest stars in the world, thanks in no small part to her time served as Mrs. Tom Cruise. (Makes you wonder just how badly Mimi Rogers fucked up to get herself fired after three years.)

Nicole’s contract was for so long, and right in the middle of her prime child-bearing years, that they had to allow her to adopt her two children during that time. Not like Tom was going to touch her, right? And have you seen even a mention of him hanging with the kids since Nicole’s deal expired? No, you have not.

Back to the handling of Katie Holmes (and man, what I wouldn’t give to handle her myself!) Team Tom knows they have to publicize this new relationship more, so the “happy couple” debuts at a photogenic film festival in Italy–perfect for those photo ops for the American press. Katie’s a big enough name already that this story instantly hits the covers of all of the celebrity mags.

But that’s not enough. Tom then has to go visit his buddy Oprah and not just fawn and gush over Katie but stage an obnoxious, embarrassing, borderline-psychotic proclamation of his adoration for the new woman on his payroll. She’s conveniently backstage, of course, so she gets pulled out to let Desperate Housewife America get a good look at them together. Pretty savvy–that should do the trick, don’t you think?

Now interest in Miss Holmes will skyrocket, both from the Oprah crowd and from the studio executives looking to cash in on her newfound marketability. And Tom…well, surely Tom can’t bat for the other team if he’s dating a woman as gorgeous and wholesome as Katie Holmes, right?


Written by Allen

May 25th, 2005 at 11:13 pm

Posted in Pop Culture

One Response to 'Does it count as prostitution if she doesn’t have to sleep with him?'

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  1. By the way, did you know that Ms. Holmes appears in Batman Begins, to be released almost simultaneously with Mr. Cruise’s War of the Worlds?

    How fortuitous for them…

    …Sarcasm provided courtesy of the DuVall/Nicholson “I Never Saw Him With His Hand Wedged Between The Thighs Of That 19-Year Old Theater Usher” Foundation.

    timmy b

    26 May 05 at 2:15 am

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