Do or Do Not.

In Which I Am Helpful

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Time now to play a fun little game I call “Going Through My Referrer Logs To See Which Search Engine Phrases Brought Users To My Site In The Last Week.”  Honestly, though?  I think I need to come up with a better name for the game than that.  I like to feel that I’m doing a public service here, providing answers to those questions that Google seems to think I’m uniquely capable of answering.  It’s a responsibility I take very seriously, and I’ll do my best to help soothe the mental anguish and sleepless nights these answerless questions must be causing to the questioners.

opening band for adrenalize tour

This one came to me in several different forms, all from former metalheads like myself desperately yearning to know which band or bands opened up for Def Leppard on their Adrenalize tour in 1992.  Well, Google led you people to the right place.  I’m gonna give you the answer right now.  You ready, my fellow headbangers?  Here goes:

No one.  That’s why you’re having such trouble finding the answer.  Def Leppard didn’t have an opening act that time out…they played a three-plus hour set without any supporting bands on the bill.  You shelled out all of that money hard-earned by busing tables and selling pot for a 100%-all-damn-Lep set, bay-bee.  Did you wanna get rocked, the Lep asked you?  Oh yes, you answered.  You wanted your asses rocked into near cataonia by a three-hour syringe full of pure grade-A Leppard.

(This was the case for the American portions of their tour, anyway; it’s possible the answer’s different in other parts of the world.)

A Love Song for Bobby Long spoiler

You want a spoiler for the mostly-wretched movie A Love Song for Bobby Long?  OK, here goes:  John Travolta sucked mightily in it.  How’s that do you?  OK, fine, here’s a bonus spoiler for you:  yes, it’s true — you do get a nice side-shot of Scarlett Johansson’s boob. give me a warm enema daddy

Um.  Sorry, can’t help you there. “inflated boy” superhero

My best guess here is that someone was trying to find out some more information about Chuck “Bouncing Boy” Taine, storied member of the Legion of Super-Heroes (and nowadays featured on the cartoon about said futuristic teens) and role model for fat kids the world over.  Well, unknown person, now that you know his actual name (though I honestly don’t think “Inflated Boy” is any less ridiculous than “Bouncing Boy”), you can read up on his heroic legacy at the Wikipedia.  Always remember:  Chuck might have been the fat kid in the Legion, but he still ended up with a smokin’ hot wife…two of ‘em, technically.

layer cake+what is his name

Another one which came to me in a number of permutations, all of which wanted to know the name of Daniel Craig’s character in the excellent film Layer Cake.  I don’t think this is a spoiler, so I’m going to give you the answer:  we don’t know.  And not only don’t we know, we’re not supposed to know.  The character himself said as much:  “If you knew my name, you’d be as clever as me.”  Whatever the character’s real name was (he’s referred to in the credits only as “XXXX”), it wasn’t revealed within the movie itself or the novel on which the movie was based.  Any site which tries to tell you his name, unless it comes directly from J.J. Connelly, the novel’s author, is lying to you.  This particular bit of information is one you’re going to have to get used to not knowing.

fuzzy storytelling guy

Yup, that’s me!  (Though I hope the “fuzzy” refers more to my propensity for hirsuteness than to my storytelling techniques, else I’ve got a problem.)

actress who did not wear panties to the oscar

Can’t help you there, either, though I must admit I’m more than a little curious to know the answer myself.

im into fuzzy rabbits.  kind of smart i have a big

Ladies and gentlemen, this week’s winner for the Search Keyword Which Causes Me The Most Mental Discomfort Award!

Written by Allen

March 28th, 2007 at 7:51 am

3 Responses to 'In Which I Am Helpful'

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  1. There is an alternate answer to the brief “inflated boy” superhero query: Tucker, aka “Mega Boy” in the disappointing movie Zoom.

    And there was a period of time when Chuck wasn’t the fat kid in the Legion; for a bit there, Matter-Eater Lad held that “honor”, while Chuck was powerless and relatively slender.

    The Saturday morning cartoon version of the Legion uses Keith Giffen’s artistic take on the inflated Bouncing Boy: Chuck becomes a perfect sphere while bouncing, with his features distorted across it. This frankly makes more sense than Curt Swan’s “sphere plus arms, legs, and head” version.

    And in this cartoon, Luornu is still Triplicate Girl, is absolutely smitten with Chuck, and was instrumental in getting him elected to the post of Legion Leader(!).

    Feste Sylvain

    28 Mar 07 at 8:22 am

  2. I haven’t seen Zoom yet… honestly, the chances of my doing so aren’t too good based on the previews, which certainly made it appear that the movie’s not too good, either. So I’m going to hope that my unknown reader was, indeed, looking for info about Bouncing Boy. :)

    And I wasn’t aware that Chuck became leader in the Legion cartoon — how cool is that? So now the fat kid (or at least the Legionnaire my teenage-comics-reading brain thinks of as the fat kid) has the hot chick and all the power? Wow, talk about wish fulfillment. Thanks for the info!

    (Matter-Eater Lad… man, do I love me some old-school Legion.)

    Allen

    28 Mar 07 at 8:28 am

  3. Haha, thanks for the laugh Allen. That is great.

    Ryan Crutchfield

    29 Mar 07 at 10:06 am

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