Do or Do Not.

Proof

with 5 comments

OK, people, here you go. Proof.

What follows is intended to eventually be a comic book script, though it doesn’t have any of the page or panel breakdowns that format would require. (Actually, right now it would be just as easy to adapt the format of what I’ve got here to comics, movies or TV. Beside the point.) It’s not incredibly detailed in terms of descriptions — I stuck mainly with just moving ahead with the dialogue, becuase that’s how the stories tend to unfold in my head. I didn’t want to kill my momentum because I got stuck on some bit of acting or scene description.

And believe me, I know it’s not fantastic, I know there are some places where people’s reactions to what’s going on aren’t quite right. But hey, it’s a very, very early first draft. This scene would take up six to eight pages in the first issue of my massive opus — and since it’s all introduction, it is inherently spoiler-free.

Caveats done. Enjoy.

ERIK
    Hey... who's the naked chick in your back yard?

DONOVAN
    What are you talking about?

ERIK
    I'm sorry, I thought that was pretty clear from the thing where
    I said "naked chick" and "back yard."

    Right over there by the pool.  She looks kinda dazed.

    She's probably whacked out of her head on something and doesn't have any
    clue where she is.

    Man, I thought this was supposed to be a nice neighorhood, and here
    you've got naked junkies wandering around as they please.

PIPER COMES OVER AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.  HER EYES WIDEN AND HER HAND GOES TO
HER MOUTH.

PIPER
    Oh my god.  You weren't kidding.

ERIK
    Of course I wasn't.  Right there, girl, no clothes.

    There's plenty of things I'll joke about.  Naked chicks aren't one of
    them.

PIPER
    It's December, she's got to be freezing to death!

ERIK
    Think I'm gonna go out and talk to her.

DONOVAN
    You sure you want to do that?  If she is strung out on something, don't
    you think she might be a little, I dunno, dangerous?

ERIK
    Well, I don't think she's got much in the way of hidden weapons
    on her, from the looks of it.  I think I'll be OK.

    But thanks so much for your concern.

DONOVAN GLARES AT ERIK, BUT SAYS NOTHING.

PIPER GRABS HER HEAVY WINTER COAT OFF THE BACK OF THE COUCH AND THROWS IT TO
ERIK.

PIPER
    Hey, If you're going to go, take her my coat.

ERiK
    Kinda liked the naked, myself, but if you say so...

ERIK WALKS OUT INTO THE BACKYARD, WATCHING THE GIRL, WHO'S TURNED AWAY FROM US
AT THIS POINT, ARMS WRAPPED TIGHT AROUND HERSELF.  WE GET OUR FIRST (TASTEFUL,
PLEASE) LOOK AT HER NOW:  SHE'S TALL, ALMOST SIX FEET, AND SLIM -- ALMOST
EMACIATED, ACTUALLY.  SHE'S ALSO FILTHY, COVERED IN GRIME.  HER HAIR IS CURLY
AND VERY LONG, DOWN TO HER WAIST, AND IT TOO IS FILTHY, MATTED.

CLOSE ON HER BACK, FROM ERIK'S POV:  WE CAN SEE SUBSTANTIAL SCARRING AND WELTING
ON HER BACK, HER SHOULDERS, HER UPPER ARMS.

ERIK
    Hey... are you OK?

    Are you high?

THE GIRL TURNS NOW AND LOOKS AT US, AND WE CAN SEE HER BEAUTY UNDER THE DIRT.
HER EYES, THOUGH FILLED WITH FEAR AND AND CONFUSION, ARE NEVERTHELESS BEAUTIFUL.

GIRL
    H -- high?  No, I don't...

    Is -- is this P-Piper's house?  It l-looks kind of like it, but I was
    just -- just...

THE GIRL, ARMS STILL WRAPPED AROUND HERSELF, STARTS CRYING -- HARD.  IT'S NOW
ERIK'S TURN TO LOOK CONFUSED.  COMPASSION ISN'T SOMETHING THAT COMES EASILY TO
HIM.

ERIK
    Hey, hey, take it easy, OK?  You're fine.

HE COMES OVER TO HER AND CAUTIOUSLY PLACES HIS LEFT HAND ON HER RIGHT SHOULDER.

ERIK
    Yeah, this is Piper's house.  She's inside.

GIRL
    She is?

ERIK
    Sure she is, her and that Donald kid.

GIRL
    Donald... you mean Donovan?  He's here too?

    Would you please... would you take me to them?  I need --

    (small) -- I need to see my friends.

ERIK
    Um, hey, I brough you a coat.  You must be freezing.

GIRL
    No, I'm... I'm really not cold.

ERIK
    Cold or not, you're still nakes, so put on the coat.

    Now c'mon, let's get you inside.

ERIK SLIPS HIS ARM AROUND HER SHOULDER, TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO DO ANYTHING
IMPROPER (WHICH ISN'T AS DIFFICULT FOR HIM TO DO AS HE'D LIKE TO PRETEND).  HE
LEADS HER AROUND THE POOL AND TOWARD THE DOOR INTO THE BASEMENT.

FROM INSIDE THE BASEMENT NOW:  ERIK COMES IN FIRST, THE GIRL BEHIND SO THAT WE
DON'T GET A GOOD LOOK AT HER JUST YET.  PIPER AND DONOVAN BOTH LOOK NERVOUS.

ERIK
    I don't think she's a junkie.  She says she knows you two and wanted to
    see you.

ERIK NOW MOVES OUT OF THE WAY SO DONOVAN AND PIPER GET A GOOD LOOK AT THE GIRL
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

GIRL
    Piper!  Oh god, I'm so glad to see you, I don't know what's going on and
    your house looks so different --

PIPER
    (small) oh my god

SHOT ON DONOVAN, LOOKING AT THE GIRL; DONOVAN FAINTS.

GIRL
    Piper?  What happened to you?  You've gotten so big, but I don't
    understand, that doesn't make any --

PIPER IS NOW SHAKING, TEARS ON HER CHEEKS.

PIPER
    Angela?

GIRL
    Yeah, of -- of course it's me.

    Who else would I be?

PIPER WALKS SLOWLY OVER TO THE GIRL -- TO ANGELA -- AND GENTLY TOUCHES HER FACE,
WIPING AWAY SOME OF THE FILTH.  SHE STARES HARD INTO ANGELA'S EYES, TRYING TO
GAUGE WHETHER OR NOT THE GIRL IS WHO SHE SAYS SHE IS.

PIPER
    Angela... you're -- you're supposed to be dead.

ANGELA
    (small) what?

PIPER
    There was -- there was a fire.  At your house, the night of your
    birthday party.  No one knows what started it.

    You were inside, all of you, and --

    -- you died.

    You.  Your parents.

    David.

ANGELA
    Piper, I -- why would you say something like that to me?  If it's
    supposed to be a joke, it's not very --

PIPER
    I'm not joking, sweetie.

    The police told us you were dead.

    You've been dead for five years.

REALIZATION SPREADS OVER ANGELA'S FACE NOW -- SHE KNOWS PIPER'S NOT JOKING.  SHE
CAN LOOK AT PIPER, AND AT DONOVAN, AND SHE CAN TELL THAT THEY'RE SEVENTEEN, NOT
THE TWELVE SHE REMEMBERS.  SHE KNOWS THIS ROOM LIKE SHE KNOWS HER OWN FACE, AND
SHE CAN SEE THE DIFFERENCES.  SHE KNOWS.

ANGELA
    Five years?  But I just saw you yesterday -- my god, my birthday party
    was just yesterday, and now you're saying --

    -- my parents are dead?  David is... ?

PIPER
    I'm so sorry, sweetie, I really am, but I have to tell you -- that's
    less on my mind then wondering how it is you're not dead, how you're
    standing here in my basement.

Written by Allen

May 27th, 2006 at 5:10 pm

Posted in Fiction,Writing

5 Responses to 'Proof'

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  1. Not bad, man. I want more.

    Dwight

    27 May 06 at 10:40 pm

  2. Thanks, D! More you shall get. :)

    Allen

    27 May 06 at 10:54 pm

  3. What I like about this scene right off the bat is that it feels like something. This isn’t some exercise you’re doing to keep sharp; rather, it’s a story that you’ve just to get down on paper. That’s what writers do, and they do it because they have to.

    This is a first draft, so there’s obviously some nits you need picked, so I have these:

    1. Overall, it’s a little chatty. Not a lot, though, and with the right artist it won’t appear as talkative. I understand that the scene isn’t something you can cut a lot of dialogue from, as there’s a need for some introductions and not a whole lot happening visually. It’s not so wordy as to be distracting.

    2. Speaking of visuals, will there be more direction in later drafts as to setting: time of day, “set descriptions

    Timmy B.

    30 May 06 at 2:19 pm

  4. Timmy, thanks much for your comments. And yeah, most of what you pointed out is stuff that will be fixed later. But to address a couple of your points head-on:

    1. Overall, it’s a little chatty. Not a lot, though, and with the right artist it won’t appear as talkative.

    I think part of the reason it comes off as chatty is because, as you indicate later, I don’t have much in the way of “stage direction” in here just yet — putting that stuff in at this stage would’ve killed my forward momentum, so I skipped most of it for now. But I have a feeling that, even if I had more direction in there, it’d likely still come off as chatty. I tend to be dialogue-driven, so I don’t think there’s going to be any way around the chattiness. I think I’ll fall right in the Mamet-Sorkin-Bendis school of writing (not comparing myself to them just yet, just sayin’ they’re obvious influences).

    2. Speaking of visuals, will there be more direction in later drafts as to setting: time of day, “set descriptions

    Allen

    30 May 06 at 2:27 pm

  5. Oops.

    Got so excited to read some actual script that I merely glanced at most of your original post. Y’know, the part where you explained that there wasn’t much in the way of scene directions and about the characters’ reactions in some places.

    So…oops.

    Timmy B

    30 May 06 at 2:32 pm

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