In just a couple of hours, the most telegenic and name-recognizable members of the television industry will gather together in Los Angeles in a vain attempt to pretend that they know which are the best products put out on TV in the last year. Those of us who actually watch TV know what a fraud this entire process is, of course; any awards show claiming to honor the best of TV but which has consistently failed to even acknowledge the existence of “Gilmore Girls” and failed to bow down before the mighty and fearsome talent of Joss Whedon clearly has its head so far up its own ass it can smell its own duodenum.
But I have no vote in the Emmys; I don’t get to pick who makes the final cut of five for each of the categories. I can only contribute by trying to pick the winners and mocking the losers mercilessly.
Best Actor in a Drama Series: In the event Ian McShane doesn’t win for his absolutely riveting perforance as “Deadwood”‘s Al Swearengen, he has my permission to throttle every last drop of life out of each of the other nominees. Nothing personal–I like Hank Azaria, James Spader, Kiefer Sutherland and Hugh Laurie just fine. But this award can only go to McShane, lest I go all violent-like. (I won’t be surprised if “House”‘s Laurie wins it, though. Disappointed, yes; surprised, no.)
Best Actress in a Drama Series: Um, geez, I’ve got no frickin’ clue. I’m going to go with Glenn Close from “The Shield” since she’s got the movie cred backing her case (meaning even those voters who don’t actually watch TV have heard of her). If it’s not Close, I’d probably go with “SFU”‘s Frances Conroy.
Best Comedy Series: “Arrested Development” damn well better take this one because it’s the funniest damn show on TV. “AD” won in a surprise last year, so it’s possible voters might decide they don’t need to vote for it again; I hope that’s not the case, or it’ll simply confirm that Emmy voters really are as big a batch of idiots as they seem to be. “Desperate Housewives” might have some trouble here since it’s not a comedy in the traditional half-hour sitcom sense, and that might confuse said batch of idiots. I can’t count out “Everybody Loves Raymond,” if only for the “hey, it’s your last season, thanks for leaving before you really overstayed your welcome” effect. “Scrubs,” sadly, has no chance and falls into the “just happy to be here” club. “Will and Grace” might have an outside shot if voters forget it’s not 1999.
Best Actor in a Comedy Series: I’ll be happy with “AD”‘s Jason Bateman, Zach Braff of “Scrubs” or “Monk”‘s Tony Shalhoub (who I think will actually win it again). Eric McCormack and Ray Romano have both already seen plenty of days in Emmy’s sun, so no go for them–likely both are nominated more for their connections to shows Emmy voters prop up every year based on name alone rather than actual quality.
Best Actress in a Comedy Series: I swear to whatever gods you deem it acceptable for me to swear to, if Paticia Heaton of “Everybody Loves Raymond” wins this award for the upteenth year, I will find every single person who voted for her, tie them down, tear off their eyelids and piss into their forever-staring eyes. No more, you hear me, Emmy voters?! NO MORE!!!
(Conversely, if Desperate Housewife Felicity Huffman wins, as I think she will, I’ll send each and every of you pretty flowers. And a pretty hooker.)
(And I suppose it’s too much for me to hope that “Gilmore Girls” star Lauren Graham steals this one in a write-in, huh?)
 Note: That’s completely different from the “achievevment on Lifetime” effect, which only applies to middlingly-successful actresses between 35 and 45 who discover career resurgence in movie-of-the-week land.
So that’s it. Tune in tomorrow or so and we’ll recap to see either just how brilliant or how Emmy-voter-like I am.